A colleague of mine was told the following by a waitress when he had tried to hit on her. “You have more dick in your personality than you do in your pants”

“He has a face like a stuntman’s knee”

In middle school a classmate told me I have teeth like a Virginia picket fence. Middle schoolers have the best insults!

I’d call you a cunt, but you have neither the warmth, nor depth.

“You’re as useless as balls on a dildo”

My three favorites are… *You’re a real conversation starter. Just not when you’re around. *I can’t believe out of a hundred million sperm, YOU’RE the one who won *I bet your parents change the subject when people ask about you

Is your ass ever jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?

I hope you go far. The sooner, the better

‘I love how music takes you away to another place. Like Mumford & Sons is playing at this restaurant so now I’m going to another restaurant.’

Had an alcoholic kitchen worker at my first job that I swear to God could have been a roast writer. I caught him looking at a female employee’s ass once for like 5 straight minutes. I was like, “Thurman, you okay?” He said, “Man, boss, it’s a shame she has such bad acne. Love that ass, but it looks like her face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.”

“The only thing you’re fucking, is stupid.”

You’re so cross-eyed, when you cry your tears fall down your back

“With a personality like yours, you should be on TV – that way, we could turn you OFF!”

“I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.” Maybe not the best, but it’s a really good one.

Friend of mine in highschool was arguing with her bf over the phone, he called her a slut, whore, said she was loose, ect ect. She replied with “oh yeah Mike? Well, your dick glows in the dark you should probably go get that checked out!” We were 16 and that come back still gets me every time. Also, from that day forward Mike was now henceforth known as “glow stick”

Person A: Singing Person B: Who sings that song? Person A: James Brown Person B: Let’s keep it that way shall we!

“You’re so stupid that it may actually be illegal to fuck you.”

For a critic, “You have me at a disadvantage. You seem to know a lot about me, and I don’t give a fuck about you.”

Winston Churchill was drunk on a bus Lady: Sir you are drunk! Churchill: and you madam are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober!